To answer the question of what toxic masculinity is, seems like we need to first answer the question of what it means to “be a man.”
And as we delve into this, I want to stress that when I say “be a man,” that I don’t mean it to exclude those who were not born with male parts. Masculinity is more about gender than it is about sex.
I wanna say that it’s tough to generalize like this. Not all of this applies to everybody. But I do think there are some basic universal truths, more or less.
Like, when you hear a dad joke, you’re supposed to roll your eyes.
Also, because gender can be a spectrum, when we talk about masculinity or “what it means to be a man,” you don’t necessarily need certain body parts to be masculine. Certainly that is a tendency. But I think it’s more like masculinity is a ROLE in a family, group, etc. And any sex could conceivably play that role.
In my experience, oftentimes in a relationship there is a role of a protector and the role of nurturer. Usually a man is the protector and a woman is the nurturer. But it can be flipped. Or, with two men or two women or nonbinary folks, one (partner A) in the relationship might assume one role and the other (partner B) the other role.
Or, perhaps it’s fluid and changing depending on the issue. One example, maybe the man is better with kids in a family. Maybe his personality is he’s a better nurturer — but he still loves tools. A woman might love children but also have a successful career. Humans are complex creatures and we don’t have to fit into a box.
Ok, so masculinity can exist across a gender spectrum. But what is this toxic form of masculinity everyone keeps talking about? So, it’s really important to know that the term “toxic masculinity” does not mean to imply that being masculine makes you toxic.
Sorta like how saying “Black Lives Matter” doesn’t imply that non-Black lives don’t matter, just simply that Black lives do matter, which is sad that that even needs to be said.
So, what makes masculinity toxic? Dictionary.com actually added “toxic masculinity” to its dictionary last year. (You know what else they added last year? “Dad joke”!)
So here’s how they define toxic masculinity:
(noun), “a cultural concept of manliness that glorifies stoicism and dominance, that is socially harmful to mental health.”
And, here’s how they define “dad joke”:
(noun), “a corny and generally unfunny joke, reminiscent of the types of remarks made by middle-aged or elderly fathers.”
(Ok we really need to talk about implicit bias against dad jokes. This war on puns. Dad jokes are definitely not “unfunny.”)
So I’ve been rewatching one of the all-time great shows, the Sopranos. Tony Soprano makes for a fascinating case study in masculinity. In the first episode, he passes out from a panic attack. It forces him to confront his own “stoicism and dominance,” as the definition goes, with a therapist.
I mean, he’s a cold-blooded murderer. But he is also a protector of his family. Parts of his character fundamentally at odds with each other. So here’s a clip of Tony with his therapist struggling to confront his emotions while feeling the pull of the toxic expectation to be the “strong and silent type.”
It’s worth mentioning that Tony Soprano was only forced to confront his toxicity and seek help because it was affecting him physically, when he’d black out from panic attacks. I think it’s important to understand the toll toxic masculinity has on our bodies and beings.
Boys and men commit nearly 90% of violent crimes in the United States. Men have higher suicide rates, more cardiovascular disease, are lonelier as they age. Toxic masculinity is not just toxic to women, but it’s toxic to men as well.
The American Psychological Association recently for the first time put out some guidelines around toxicity with men. Some highlights:
- Masculinity is a social construct.
- Male privilege often comes with a cost in the form of adherence to sexist ideologies designed to maintain male power that also restrict men’s ability to function adaptively.
- Although there is tremendous social and cultural diversity inherent in parenting approaches, some boys are socialized from an early age to avoid intimacy and deep connections with others.
- Psychologists strive to encourage positive father involvement and healthy family relationships.
And this is how the New York Times defines toxic masculinity:
- Suppressing emotions or masking distress — or, the glorification of stoicism and dominance.
- Maintaining an appearance of hardness — this is the “strong and silent type.” Why do men have to hide what they’re feeling inside?
- Violence as an indicator of power
So, when boys are taught that it is forbidden to openly express your emotions, that you have to “man up” or lose your status as a man and be seen as feminine or weak, it can very well lead to toxic behavior.
To close, here is a passage of something I found on Reddit, that really illustrates how men are conditioned to be stoic and this feeling that it is forbidden for us to show emotion:
My father was extremely close with his paternal grandmother… she had raised him at a very trying time in his childhood. She died when he was in his late 30s. At her funeral, my dad was a sobbing mess, and his step-mother told him it was rude to cry at funerals. He replied, “Don’t worry, I won’t cry at yours.”